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Submarine Voyage Replacement Spiel

Submarine Voyage lagoonThe Submarine Voyage was one of Disneyland's most popular attractions for many years. Built under the direction of Walt Disney himself, it is considered a classic of storytelling and immersive theme. Although today the ride exists in a rather tame Finding Nemo attraction, we think you will enjoy reading this script which replaced the original attraction script in the 1970s.

Captain: Prepare to leave dock.

Seaman: Aye, aye sir. All hands, prepare to leave dock.

Captain: Clear the bridge.

Seaman: Aye aye. Clear the bridge. Clear the bridge.

Captain: Close water-tight hatches.

Seaman: Aye aye. Close water-tight hatches.

Captain: Ready engines.

Seaman: Ready engines. Aye aye.

Captain: Are all stations ready to get underway?

Seaman: Aye aye. All stations are ready to get underway, sir.

Captain: All ahead, one third.

Seaman: All ahead, one third. Aye aye. Ahead one third.

Captain: Stand by to dive.

Seaman: Aye aye, stand by to dive.

Captain: Dive, dive, dive!

Seaman: Dive, dive, dive, Aye aye!

Captain: Take her down.

Seaman: Aye aye. Taking her down, sir.

Captain: Level off at 20,000 fathoms.

Seaman: Aye aye. Leveling off at -- 20,000 fathoms, sir?

Captain: You heard me, seaman!

Seaman: Aye aye, sir.

Captain: Set course seven zero degrees.

Seaman: Setting course seven zero degrees, sir. Aye aye. Seven zero.

Captain: Steady as she goes.

Seaman: Aye aye. Steady as she goes.

Captain: All ahead four thirds.

Seaman: Four thirds, sir?

Captain: Is this mutiny!?!

Seaman: No sir! Four thirds, sir!

Captain: I didn't hear an "aye aye"!

Seaman: Aye aye, sir!

Captain: This is your captain.

Seaman: Aye aye, sir! Your captain, sir!

Captain: Belay that! Ahem, this is your captain. Welcome aboard the Insert Name of Submarine Here. We are on course to explore what astronauts call liquid space from the comfort of our own submarine. During our journey, we will pass below the polar ice cap, past Mickey's Toontown, and the glorious Grand Canyon and Primieval World diorama, seldom seen by man. During our journey, we ask that you keep your head and arms inside the submarine at all times, ladies please remove your hats, and no smoking please, the smoking lamp is out.

In the water you can see various species of marine life swimming, eating, and swimming some more. There are limpets, crabs, lobsters -- these shelled monstrosities are the cockroaches of the deep and have changed little in millions of years, though they taste much better than their under-the-refrigerator-hiding relatives -- particularly with melted butter!

Along the sea floor you can see groupies.

Seaman: Groupers, sir.

Captain: Ahem! And speaking of fish, a giant clam has a giant shell that can weigh in excess of sixty-three tons.

Moray eels are vicious predators that live in holes, and you can bet that if you are diving near a hole and something jumps out and bites you, "at's a-moray"! (sings)

Seaman: The crew is mutinying, sir.

Captain: (stops singing) Ahem, yes. People have always considered the sea to be silent, but now with the incredible innoventions in microphones and new techniques like putting an ear to a porthole, we can hear fish actually talk.

Fish: Caaaaan yooooou giiiiive uuuuus direeeeectiooooons?

Captain: Sounds like a fish trying to talk to a --

Seaman: Radar warning, sir. Storm ahead.

Captain: Weather warning!

Seaman: Weather warning, sir.

Captain: Diving planes six degrees yaw!

Seaman: Aye aye, diving planes six degrees yaw.

Captain: Rig for battle stations!

Seaman: Aye aye, battle stations. Ready torpedo bay --

Captain: Wait for it!

Seaman: Sorry, sir.

Captain: Alright, then. Hold level at two degrees pitch and proceed on charted course.

Seaman: Uh, aye aye, sir.

Captain: Unlike automobiles, submarines can dive safely below terrible storms. Other seagoing craft have this ability as well, but are incapable of returning to the surface afterward. You can see their fate, a vast field of sunken galleons and cargo ships, their treasure strewn along the ocean floor.

Seaman: Divers ahead, sir.

Captain: The fools. How many years has this treasure sat on the sea floor, a fortune in gold and jewels protected from pilferage by gigantic man-eating sharks? Of course, sharks mean little to a vessel such as ours.

Fire torpedo!

Seaman: Torpedos not loaded, sir.

Captain: I thought I told you -- oh, never mind.

Seaman: Ice is thickening, sir. We've reached the south pole.

Captain: The south? I wanted to go to the north pole, idiot!

Seaman: Sorry, sir. Just following orders, sir.

Captain: Insubordination, that's what this is. (sigh)

Go deep, below the ice and watch out for polar bears and penguins.

Seaman: Polar bears don't live at the --

Captain: Not listening!

We're sailing beneath the south pole, not the one where Santa lives, but the other one. This area is in constant darkness, largely due to boredom, but even here nature has given creatures flashlights and other tools to make life bearable.

(alarm sounds)

Seaman: We've reached maximum depth, sir.

Captain: We're at maximum when I say we're at maximum and no sooner. Got that, sailor?

Seaman: Aye aye, sir.

Captain: Good. We're at maximum depth. Go up a little.

Seaman: Aye aye. Up a little.

Captain! There's a giant squid dead ahead!

Captain: Calm down. We've nothing to fear from a dead squid, seaman.

Seaman: Not dead, sir. Dead ahead. Giant squid!

Captain: Giant squid head?

Seaman: Giant squid!

Captain: Wait, are you sure it's a squid and not an octopus? Count its legs.

Seaman: One, two, three --

(submarine rocked by squid tentacles)

Captain: What the -- fire torpedos!

Seaman: They're not loaded, sir!

Captain: Fine time to... hey, look!

(killer whales swim up and eat giant squid)

Captain: Well now, that was nice of those whales. And there's good eating in them, too. We'll have to harpoon a couple the next time we surface. Steady as she goes.

You know, salty old sea dogs tell tale of enormous ships crushed in a giant squid's enormous testicles.

Seaman: Tenticles, sir.

Captain: I've had about enough of you, sailor! As I was saying, it's all just lies, old wive's tales, and urban legends, like the story of the submarine that surfaced because it had sprung a leak only to find that a maniac's hook was lodged in its side. But it's all a lot of baloney, like tales of -- mermaids? I don't believe it. Mr. Baxter -- check the air pressure!

Seaman: Gauge reads full. And my name's Carlton, sir.

Captain: Enough of that, Baxter. I'm putting you on report!

Sunken treasure, giant testicles, mermaids -- what have I been smoking?

Seaman: Strange structures ahead, sir.

Captain: Well now, these ruins are obviously the work of man. Probably Amazons or something. Or, I know, I'll bet that this is the lost continent of Atlantis, from the delightful cartoon of the same name, available on DVD. For years scholars have argued about where it was, and Plato said it was sunk thousands of years ago by a giant volcano. But what did he know, aside from inventing that colorful clay. I love that stuff. But there's no volcano here.

Seaman: Volcano off the bow, sir!

Captain: Well, we're sailing right past it, anyway. No problemo.

Seaman: Captain, there's something strange on sonar ahead. It looks to be -- it is! A sea serpent!

Captain: Holy moley! Condition red! Evasive maneuvers! Ready torpedoes! Somebody get the National Inquirer on the phone!

Seaman: Aye aye!

Captain: Ah, it was too slow. We've left it behind.

Seaman: Captain, I've got the Enquirer on the surface phone.

Captain: Oh, never mind. They're probably still burned that my swimming Bigfoot turned out to be a sea otter.

Seaman: Aye aye.

Captain: Ladies and germs, we have completed our trip around the world and are returning home. I hope you had a pleasant voyage and won't reveal to any authorities that I tried to torpedo innocent divers.

Rig for stopping. Surface. Open all hatches.

Seaman: Aye aye, sir. After we surface, sir.

Captain: Whatever.

When the lights come back on, please stand up, gather your things and get off of my ship. If you caught any fish, please throw them back. And feel free to tip heavily.

All ashore, please. We need the boat empty if we're going to go back after all that treasure. All ashore.

Submarine Voyage home page
Original Submarine Voyage spiel


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396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland "Facts"
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396 Pure, Unadulterated, Dyed-In-The-Wool, 100% Made-Up, Completely Fake Disneyland "Facts"
Get another book!