Haunted Mansion: 2007 Attraction Script
In 2005, the venerable Haunted Mansion was getting a little long in the tooth, so Disney hired popular author Stephen King to completely rewrite the attraction script. His new script, with Jack Nicholson performing as the Ghost Host, was introduced into a retooled attraction in 2007.
All dialogue is spoken by the Ghost Host unless otherwise specified.
When the painful screams fill empty rooms and you catch a gleam of insanity in a loved-one's eye, whever the lights go dim and the air hangs heavy with the stench of death, that is when unspeakable horrors hide just out of sight, ready to claw at your tender flesh and grin at the smell of your failing life.
Welcome fools -- Fools! -- to the Haunted Mansion. I will be your host, your Ghost Host, for as much of this tour as you can stand. Kindly step all the way through the door which has just opened like a mouth in the very pits of Hell and make room for every body. You might as well move forward, as you now have no chance of escape.
Your tour begins here where are displayed paintings of some those who preceeded you before they were released from their fragile flesh.
I see the blood has rushed from your face and that your pupils dilate in fear, almost as if you sense the twisting of the very fabric of reality around you. Could it be that this possessed chamber is actually distorting before your very eyes? Or is this just the first hint of your growing insanity? And consider this grim fact -- this room is without windows or doors, which offers you a horrifying choice: either find a way through the thick, lifeless walls or spend weeks slowly starving and trying to decide which of your fellow travelers should first be desperately devoured. Of course, you may always elect suicide -- as I did.
I'm sorry, I hope my rotting corpse didn't land on anyone you care for. Now, to coin a phrase, "look alive," and take each step as if it might be your last as we continue our walking tour of the damned.
Many spectacular ghosts, ghouls, and demons have come to inhabit this cursed structure, having relocated from moldering crypts and walled-up basements from around the globe. As of this morning we had 999 horrific haunts here, but at last count we were up by another ten with plenty of room to spare. Would you care to join us? All you need is to be horribly massacred to trap your spirit within these walls, and the demonically possessed are always welcome. Those of you with children may have someone in mind who fits the latter qualification, hmmm?
Entering the Doombuggies
And now a box approaches in which you will be sealed for your trip into the realm of inexplicable horror. Take someone you trust by the hand, please, and watch for the first signs of possession. Oh yes, and there are no flash pictures allowed within the Mansion. Those using a flash or other light will have the flesh unceremoniously ripped from their skulls.
There is no need to pull down on the safety bar. The mechanism is more than capable of rendering you immobile and helpless without assistance. And heed this warning, the only chance you have of survival is to remain quiet and docile at all times, letting the spirits work their evil without interference or resistance.
We find it horribly uncomfortable to be bound to this rotting structure. Every room echoes with our pain, and every breath of air you take taunts our lifeless existence. Now quiet -- listen for the sound of your approaching fate.
Passing the corpse of someone sealed alive in a coffin
Many of our ghosts are here as punishment for their earthly sins. This one was CEO of a certain entertainment company before a significant vote of disapproval by shareholders.
Sadly, some of the most horrible terrors seem to be having trouble breaking through. Perhaps Madam Leota can help us unlock the final seal and release these destructive forces upon humanity. She has turned to black arts as a channel for the sorrow which overwhelms her because she aint got nobody.
Madam Leota's room
Madam Leota: Poisonous insect, huge mutant rat, sacrifice flesh to make our demons fat! To your foul vibrations it's time to respond, tear them to pieces with teeth from beyond! Pale-faced killer from the film Halloween, slice at a throat with your foul tambourine! Claw out an eyeball, sink a corpse in a pond, deliver a soul into tortures beyond! Witches and warlocks, conjure a spell, to send these damned mortals a-burning in hell!
The forces of evil sense easy prey and are arriving in swarms. There are poltergeists, ghost, ghouls, and -- mermaids? You had best believe it! They gather to plan their assault on mankind and will be expecting me. I'll see you a little later -- even if you don't see me.
Attic and cemetery, all ghosts sing
When a shambling corpse makes a weak heart quake
If you close your eyes and you try to hide
As the moon goes dark there's an evil tree
When the guillotine fell it rang like a bell
Exiting the cemetery
Ghost Host: Ah, I've found you, but too late for you to fall under my influence. But that matters little because I forgot to mention that this house is also home to hitchhiking psychos! They have selected you to slake their dark passions, and they'll make sure that you're sent home in a box! Now I will raise the safety bar and a maniac will stalk you until you are caught alone!
Ghosts sing: If you still hang on to your sanity
Little Leota: Turn back! Turn back! We can't issue a death certificate if you don't agree to join us. Take your own life now. We'd love to have you.
 There's a really cool effect here by which it appears that one of the "three psychos" (a guy in a hockey mask, a guy with an axe, or a guy with a hook for a hand) is in your Doombuggy with you, disemboweling you with his weapon.
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