Mark Twain Riverboat Spiel
The Mark Twain riverboat began running on Disneyland's first day of operation. Its recorded spiel has been adjusted throughout the years as the landscape around the Rivers of America changed. References to Splash Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean have replaced descriptions of the Indian Casino and Aunt Jamima's Stereotyped Fried Chicken Plantation, but the spirit of the attraction has remained unchanged.
Captain: Secure all cargo. All passengers aboard. Bowman, cast off bow lines. Sternman, cast off stern lines. Poop deck man, well, you know.
Secure hatches and vents. Engine room, ahead one third. Catch her at ten fathoms.
Ledge man, sing out references.
Ledge man: By the mark, Mark Hammel, Mark Spitz, Maaaaaark Twaaaaain.
Captain: Engine room, ahead full.
Howdy folks, welcome to the Rivers of America, the gateway to the old west's wonderland, and to the Mark Twain, grandest of the riverboats in these parts. Our journey will take us past some fascenatin' sights, and I'll be telling you some unbelievable stories along the way. I run a clean boat, so there's no eatin', no spittin', no drinkin', no pinchin' the gals, and no gamblin', but you go ahead and smoke all you like.
Now as we pull away from the dock, everyone turn around a give a big wave to the folks still on shore. Odds are you'll never see them again, but then again, you probably never saw them before, either!
Off to our port side is New Orleans Square. I've heard tell that there are pirates there, and they say that the ball from a pirate's cannon can destroy a riverboat 200 yards away! But don't worry, we're only 150 yards away so those cannon balls will sail right over us.
When you've been sailing the river for a lot of years like I have, you hear a lot of tall tales. For instance, they say that that old mansion across the water is haunted and if you don't heed that warning, you're making a grave mistake!
Across to starboard is Tom Sawyer Island. That's where you can walk in the footsteps of Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. Tom wanted his friend Injun Joe to visit the island as well. Joe didn't want to, but Tom begged and begged and Joe finally caved. Ha!
Ut oh! There's a bunch of kids runnin' and jumpin' on those rocks! Watch out, some of them are startin to wave!
(Captain fires gun to scare away children)
Well now, that was close!
Turning back to the port side, there's Splash Mountain, home to the laughinest, singest, group of animals you ever saw. There's rabbits and chickens and foxes and frogs and -- mermaids? I don't believe it. Mr. Baxter -- check the air pressure! Sometimes these old eyes just aren't sure what they're seeing.
Past Spash Mountain is the home of Winnie the Pooh. And if you think his ride is worth your time, then you're not on the Rivers of America, your in de-Nile!
That big building is Fort Wilderness, named for Charles Fort. It's the last outpost of civilization. You don't see something like that every day. But I do.
We're starting to pass thick woods and won't be seein' much more civilization. Oh, but there's Old Jed's cabin. He's been selling moonshine to the riverboats for years. And look, his cabin is on fire! Well, that just points out one of the ol' laws of the river, don't set your cabin on fire.
We must be entering Indian territory. There's old Chief Wavesalot welcoming us in peace. They tell me he's just opened a barber shop in town. He's running a special on scalp treatments -- one time only, guaranteed!
My goodness, it looks like we're entering the white water rapids. And goodness me, we're now leaving the white water rapids.
Oh look, an Indian village. It looks like the medicine man is passing along some of his ol' native wisdom. I'll listen and see if I can translate what he's saying.
"You put your right leg in. You pull your right leg out. You put your right leg in..."
Well, I can't make much of that. But as we round the bend here you'll see something quite amazing, the backside of Tom Sawyer -- Island, that is.
There's a train off to the side. The last time I was through here they were having trouble getting it to run. People must have abandoned it, but it looks like those little marmots are on the right track.
That waterfall off to the right is Big Thunder falls, named for the famed explorer Dr. Albert Schweitzer. Don't ask me how that makes any sense, and don't ask me how a waterfall can be full of termites, either.
But I can tell you about the other mountain out yonder. That's Big Thunder Mountain, and Indians say that the railroad there is haunted, honest engine!
We're now coming to the most dangerous part of our trip, the return to the old west. If you enjoyed your trip, I'm Captain Clemens and this is the Mark Twain. If you didn't, them I'm Pee Wee Herman and this is Star Tours.
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