Jungle Cruise Spiel

The heart of the Jungle Cruise is the ride spiel. Jokes told by Jungle Cruise guides must be approved before they can be used on the attraction. See if you can figure out which set of jokes -- A or B -- is approved and which is unapproved.

Guests see... Joke set A Joke set B
Loading area Please slide all the way together. I get paid for the amount of people I take out; not the number I bring back. Okay, who wants to sit on the rails? Come on, pack 'em in, pack 'em in.
Boat leaves the dock Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the people back on the dock... Come on wave! You may never, ever see them again. But then again, you probably never, ever saw them before. Just a few rules before our tour really begins. There's no smoking, no eating, no drinking, and no fooling around on this trip. So if you have cigarettes, food, drinks, or kids, now's a good time to heave them over the side.
Tropical rain forest We're now entering the rain forest. Feel that mist on your face? Kind of cool, kind of nice? It's interesting to note that that mist carries the world's largest array of rare tropical bacteria. Now we're entering the rain forest. Feel that mist on your face? It's amazing how many tropical birds are in the vines above us, and how much water they drink.
The Indiana Jones ride entrance Across the way, the mysterious Temple of the Forbidden Eye, where the famous archeologist Indiana Jones is searching for one the world's greatest treasures. As you can see, this dig has attracted the world's most eminent archaeologist, historians, explorers, and journalists. And aren't they clever, disguising themselves as simple tourists! Across the way is the mysterious Temple of the Forbidden Eye -- I'll bet that's what you thought you were standing in line for, wasn't it? Suckers!
Ruins of a sunken city We are now approaching an ancient Cambodian shrine. It was built by ancient Cambodian Shriners. We are now entering an ancient Cambodian shrine which has fallen to ruins because it was built to Disney safety specifications.
Human sacrifice The Cambodians who built this temple worked hard to please their gods. That guy certainly has his work cut out for him! There's a guide who didn't get his spiel approved, and there's my supervisor -- hi, Frank!
Wild tiger Don't make any sudden moves! That's a Bengal tiger on the left! The Bengal tiger has been known to leap over 20 feet in one jump. But don't worry, we're only 15 feet away. He'll jump right over us! Here kitty, kitty! (Whistles, claps.) Okay fellows, who wants some big pussy?
Cobras Up on the steps, two king cobras, some of the world's deadliest snakes. Hmm, wait a minute... there used to be three of them. I wonder where the other one went? (Looks around the boat interior.) Here snakey, snakey! (Whistles, claps.) Okay ladies, who wants a giant, uh, uh -- does anyone know a euphemism for "penis" that sounds like "snake"?
Crocodiles Look, there's old Smiley, the oldest resident of the river. Mainly, he just sort of lies around all day waiting for a hand out. Look, there's a crocodile, fresh from the sewers that empty into this jungle river.
Statue of Ganesha On our left is Ganesha the elephant god, who guards the entrance of the sacred bathing pool of the Indian elephants. On our left is the pagan statue of Ganesha the elephant god, hardly worth the notice of good Judeo-Christians such as ourselves. Why don't you got ahead and throw stuff at it?
Elephant bathing pool And look at all the elephants on the river today! This comes as a complete surprise to me 'cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here! If you want to take pictures, go right ahead. They all have their trunks on! Take a good look, because once you see a male elephant naked, you'll never forget!
Elephant that squirts water Oh no! There on the right. That big elephant is coming up and it looks like he's aiming for us! (Elephant squirts water over bow of boat, goes down, comes up again) Oh no! He's coming up again! You folks in the back get down! (Elephant doesn't squirt.) Well, I guess he didn't have time to reload. (Yawns) Okay, here's the part where I pretend to worry that the elephant is going to squirt us. Eeek. Eeek. (Elephant squirts water over bow of boat, goes down, comes up again.) And here's the part where I pretend that he's really going to get us this time. (Reaches out of boat, hits elephant reset button hidden in rock, elephant comes up and blasts water into boat.) Hah! Gotcha! (Guns engine so angered passengers fall back into their seats.)
Explorer camp that has been ransacked by gorillas and features an inverted Jeep The last time I passed through, those gorillas were having a problem getting that Jeep to start. Looks like they finally got it to turn over. The last time I passed the lady driving that Jeep said she'd flip if she saw another gorilla. I guess she did!
Bamboo forest A botanist told me that the bamboo you see here can grow to be six stories tall. I think it's seven stories tall, but that's another story. Here we have a bunch of plants. You'd think that with Eisner's salary he could spring for a couple of robots here, but no.
Waterfall And now, we're approaching beautiful Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous African explorer, Dr. Albert Falls. Well now, here's something you don't see every day -- unless you're a bored, underpaid, son-of-a-bitch who just wishes his transfer to Tomorrowland would go through, that is.
Nile River We've just entered the Nile River of Africa. If you don't believe me, you're probably in de-Nile. We've just entered the Nile River of Africa. If you don't believe me, I'll throw you in de-Nile.
Elephants in the bushes On the left bank, the enormous ears and huge tusks tell us that's an African elephant, the world's largest land animal. And for those of you with short memories: There on the right bank, the enormous ears and huge tusks tell us that's an African elephant, the world's largest land animal. Elephant. Another elephant.
Lions eating a dead zebra It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crews, those hungry vultures, are waiting their share. This points out the basic law of the jungle, never be a zebra. Ever wish your ex-husband/wife was a zebra? I do. Eight times an hour.
Safari that has been chased up a tree by a rhino There's that lost safari we've been hearing about. They've obviously gotten mixed up in some sort of local uprising. Well, bottoms up fellows, I'm sure you'll get the point... in the end. There's that lost safari we've been hearing about. I guess the guy on the bottom's feeling a little horny.
Hippo swimming pool Uh-oh! We're entering a pool of dangerous hippopotami. These big bruisers could easily upset our boat. Uh-oh, it looks like one of them's attacking us from this side! Look out! There's another one of the other side! (Fires gun to scare away hippo.) Whew, that was close. But we're not out of danger yet. Uh-oh! We're entering a pool of dangerous hippopotami. These fat bastards could easily upset our boat -- and they generate enough waste to upset our stomachs at the same time. Look out! One of them is attacking! (Hauls out shotgun, blows bowling-ball-size hole in fiberglass animal head.) There -- that'll give the maintenance crew something to do tonight!
Canoe full of skulls We're now entering headhunter territory, a terrible place to be-headed. We're now entering headhunter territory. I don't know about you, but just the thought of it makes me hungry!
Natives dancing These natives seem to be celebrating something. Let me see if I can translate for you. You... put... your... left... foot... in. You... put... your... left... foot... out. Sounds like a bunch of hokey pokey to me! These natives seem to be pretty happy. Maybe it's free watermelon and fried chicken day? (From this point, spiel only continues if guide hasn't been beaten to death.)
Natives attacking with spears Oh, look there on the left! We're being attacked by a war party. Quick get down! If you get hit with a spear, pull it out and throw it back! We're not allowed to keep souvenirs. Oh no! It looks like someone is easily upset by racist humor and stereotypical depictions of Africans!
Waterfall again And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: the amazing, the colossal, the stupendous, the eighth wonder of the world -- the back side of water! There's the waterfall again. Christ, isn't this ride over yet?
White-water rapids (In serious tone) We're now entering the dangerous white water rapids... (long pause)... we're now leaving the dangerous white water rapids. (Naps.)
Python hanging from a tree Don't get too close to that python, he might get a crush on you. It's a constricting relationship, not something you want to get wrapped up in. Watch out for that python -- he'll eat your children like gummy bears!
Native selling shrunken heads There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the jungle. Business has been shrinking lately as you can tell. So today he's having a two for one special, two of his heads for just one of yours. There's old Trader Chong from the head shop. Hey Tommy! Throw me a fat one!
Dock We're now approaching the most dangerous part of our journey, the return to civilization. We're now approaching the most dangerous part of our journey, the part where you try to step out of a rocking boat without falling in-between and getting your leg crushed.
Exiting the boat Well, it looks like our time together is finally coming to an end. I'm Skipper (name) and I'd really like to thank you for traveling with me today. You folks have been an outstanding crew. And pretty soon, you'll be out standing over there on the dock. Okay, okay. Out of the boat. Fun's over. Hey, whose wallet is -- oh, um, never mind. Wallet? What wallet?

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